


The Things You Kept From Me (I'll Stay By Your Side)

by CherryK



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Episode 1x20, F/M, Missing Scene, Prompt Fill, Retelling, episode 1x19, philindasecretsummer, prompt: I'll Stay By Your Side, that scene everyone wanted to see but it wasn't there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-08
Updated: 2014-06-08
Packaged: 2018-02-03 21:24:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1757411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CherryK/pseuds/CherryK
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Melinda leaves the Providence, Phil feels guilty. She's on his mind almost constantly, but he doesn't expect her to come back. When she does, he figures out that she has kept another thing from him: her feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Things You Kept From Me (I'll Stay By Your Side)

**Author's Note:**

> Fic written for Sammyanne24 on tumblr, who prompted "I'll Stay By Your Side" for the #PhilindaSecretSummer challenge. I really hope this lives up to your expectations, hun, I panicked a lot about this, haha! <3

Melinda glared at him. She stood with her arms crossed over her chest. Her unreadable expression had turned her features to stone. The venom lay in her gaze, a tinge of something close to sadness clouding its fierceness. Phil looked back at her over his shoulder as he moved to leave the base for Portland with Fitz, Simmons and Triplett.

He couldn’t have cared less.

It was her fault entirely. He had always watched out for her, had helped her get back up on her feet after the events of Bahrain and never, no, _never_ had he kept any secrets from her, the person he had trusted most. And what was she thanking him with? Spying on him and keeping him in the dark for months! All because, apparently, he meant “a lot to her”. If she had told him that earlier, he might have even believed her, but now all he could do was feeling exploited. Phil met Melinda’s eyes with ease and made sure to let his anger speak through his own. She wasn’t needed on this mission. He didn’t need her to have his back.

\---

They found Audrey. She was as lovely as she’d ever been, making it hard for Phil to stay back. He wanted to reveal himself, to let her know that he was still alive. Still, he was well aware that he couldn’t. Audrey couldn’t find out, not when she was finally healing. A part of him was glad that she was moving on, that she had managed to get her life back on track after mourning his apparent death, but another part ached with regret.

“There is no going back,” a sharp voice in his mind kept telling him. The words seemed oddly familiar, but Phil didn’t recall where he’d heard them before.

\---

Back on the jet that had taken them to Portland, back on their way to the Providence, he shrouded himself in silence and pondered on the day’s events. He felt worn out and the slight headache he had been hoping to get rid of sooner or later was now pounding behind his temples. He didn’t notice the concerned looks Fitz was giving him until the Scotsman spoke up.

“Sir, is everything okay?”

Phil sighed. “She said I never lied to her. That I did. But she’s alive, and safe. I did that, at least.”

“Why didn’t you tell her the truth?”

“I will someday, I guess. When there’s a chance she’ll understand.”

Fitz nodded slightly, turning his gaze downwards to stare at the floor absentmindedly. He also looked exhausted.

“When we get back I need to make things right with May. How can I expect Audrey to forgive me if I’m not willing to do the same,” Phil said, speaking more to himself than to anyone else.

When the team arrived at the Providence, they found the hangar practically empty – somebody had taken the Bus. A feeling of dread settled in Phil’s gut as realization dawned on him. He shouldn’t have told May to find somewhere else to be. She had probably taken him seriously, packed her bags and left with what they had been calling their home for the past months.

Phil soon was proven wrong.

\---

“Play it again.” Phil was staring intently at the computer screen that replayed the same scene of the hangar’s camera feed for the umpteenth time. Fitz threw up his hands in exasperation, but repeated the facts once again. The feed showed May leaving the Bus with a large bag. A few minutes later Ward had entered the Bus with Skye – holding hands. Fitz was now clearly on the verge of throwing a tantrum. The remaining members of the team continued to argue, going through all possible scenarios.

“Still won’t explain why the communication lines were cut or why they left their phones or why May just… left,” Simmons said, her brows furrowing.

“May walked away because I told her to.” Phil crossed his arms. He felt a wave of guilt overcoming him. “I was mad, and I was mean.”

“Then we don’t need her sorry ass,” Triplett added from his seat in the corner of the room.

Phil turned around to glare at the agent. “Excuse me?” Disbelief laced the tone of his voice. He had already insulted May enough himself, he didn’t want to hear more of that. He was about to reprimand Triplett, when Simmons interrupted them by standing up and announcing that she would make food and that they all needed to eat. Fitz hurriedly followed her out of the room, escaping the tense situation.

Phil sank down onto the couch, pinching the bridge of his nose. For a moment everything was silent. Where was May now? Would she come back? How could he ever make up for everything he’d said to her? He had thrown her words straight back in her face, hell, he had even brought up Bahrain. Plus, he’d shot her with an I.C.E.R. Those were more than enough reasons to leave the team. Phil hardly registered Triplett taking a seat across from him.

“Sir, you’re an expert in analysis. I can see you run the scenarios in your head, so what have you got?”

True... the scenarios… not only May was missing. Phil swallowed. Staring fixedly at the wall behind Triplett, he tried to focus his thoughts on the whole picture.

“Best case: Agent Koenig knows something we don’t, took the team, kept us in the dark for safety.”

“And worst case scenario?”

“We’ve had a wolf in the herd the whole time.”

Phil’s words were emphasized by Simmons’ scream tearing through the building, the echoes reflecting utter horror.

\---

They had gathered around the kitchen table, Eric Koenig’s dead body lying upon it. Simmons was examining the fatal wounds on the side of his neck, while Triplett was trying to calm down Fitz, who was yelling and clearly freaked out by the scene before him. It didn’t take long for Simmons to come to a conclusion. Voice shaking, she confirmed that Ward had killed the poor agent, approximately a few minutes after May had left the Providence.

For Fitz, this was the last straw. He erupted like a volcano, swearing loudly and starting to knock over things in his way. Phil reacted quickly, jumping to his side and placing a hand on the Scotsman’s back to steady him.

“Okay, okay, we need to hold it together!”

Fitz’s chest was heaving with rage and clutched the edges of the kitchen counter firmly. His knuckles were turning pale.

“Listen: All that anger, all that pain, you need to hold it in and focus it on Skye.” Focusing anger, keeping it in in order to let it out on the right person in the right moment – May excelled at this, and Phil had always admired her for it… but right now, he reminded himself with a heavy heart, was not the right moment to worry about May. He resisted the urge to shake his head to make the thought fade. She would find her way alone.

“She’s alive and she just walked out of here, hand in hand with someone she knows is a murderer, ‘cause she’s playing him. Just like he played us. Fitz… Fitz, we need to fix the communications, we have to track that plane. Can you do that?”

Fitz’s grip on the kitchen counter softened a little and he gave a short nod. Phil removed his hand from the younger man’s back, turning to look at the remaining members of his team with a stern expression.

“If I know Skye, she’s got a plan. And we’re gonna find her, before Ward figures out what that is.” He didn’t leave any space for further debating. Aside from Triplett everyone left the room. They had to get moving. Quickly. Phil waved Triplett over to follow him back to Koenig’s room. The computers needed to get back online.

At least nothing had been damaged. Phil rummaged through a drawer, searching for the cable Triplett had asked for. Having found it, he handed it to him.

“Alright, Ward is Hydra. You know what that means.” He shot a glance at the other, who was now plugging the cable in.

“Garret is a liar,” Triplett stated, matter-of-factly.

“And agent Hand is dead.” Phil grimaced. The computer’s screen finally sprung back to life and he keyed in the commands needed to track down the plane. Hydra had raided the fridge without anyone of the team knowing, but why had they come back for them now? What was it that they had, that would be useful to them? Phil’s thoughts drifted. Was it a weapon? Was it a member of the team, so they could take that war on to personal levels? Ward had taken Skye, after all, Skye and her encrypted- He froze in mid-thought. Skye’s encrypted hard drive! With all their intel on it! She had connected the encryption to certain coordinates only she knew of; Ward would surely take her there! They had to get to her, before they would force her to decrypt it! Phil frowned at the computer’s screen, silently willing it to work faster. Only seconds later the plane’s location was determined: they had landed near Los Angeles. Phil announced the good news to Triplett, but had to eat his words soon after, as the alarm went off.

\---

“I am offering you a life line here, Coulson, don’t thank me, just take it and we’ll be on our way.”

Phil stared at Maria Hill in disbelief. She had ordered the US military to enter the Providence. Fury’s secret base was no longer secret, his team was currently being pumped for intel by Colonel Talbott and she was offering him _what_? Handing over the base to the government was an absolute no-go. He felt his anger flare up, when she asked him to have a word with ruthless Colonel as well, to ‘cough up meaningless intel’ and to say ‘nothing about S.H.I.E.L.D.’s other installations’.

“You’re still protecting your secrets! Is there anything specific you’re afraid I’ll talk about? T.A.H.I.T.I., maybe?”

“Phil-“ He could see the suppressed irritation etching lines into Maria’s features. Her patience was running low, but he didn’t give a damn.

“I’m a liability? Is that it?”

“Grow up, Phil! Of course you’re a liability,” she continued, seemingly unfazed by his tantrum, “But I know you’ll do the right thing.”

“The _right thing_? That’s funny coming from you after everything you and Fury have done!”

 Now she was barely able to hold back from rolling her eyes at him, that he could tell. “Look, it was for your own-“

“For my own good, I know, I get it. You should have been straight with me. I would’ve kept your secrets like a good soldier, I always have, but instead you were worried about me; you should have been worried about anyone else!” He was shouting now. He usually wasn’t prone to that, so why wouldn’t Maria understand? Phil couldn’t recall ever arguing with her like that in the past. Well, but that HYDRA-free past seemed to lie ages behind, the threat was imminent and Maria wasn’t helping. Why wouldn’t she see reason?

“Ward is Garrett’s secret weapon. He killed Victoria Hand, then raided the Fridge and now he’s got Skye, which is where we were headed until you so rudely interrupted, to sweeten your deal.”

“I vetted Ward…”

Phil stared at his former superior fixedly. Ward had managed to play the team for _months_ ; of course he had been able to pass whatever tests Maria had put him through without raising any suspicion. Ward had Skye and it surely wasn’t going to be long until he’d find out that she knew his secret and put a bullet through her head or something equally frightening.

“You wanna get this right? Stop wasting time!”

\---

The Bus had turned around to face Maria’s smaller jet. Phil left his shelter behind and dashed across the airfield, trying to make himself as invisible as possible. Time was not on his side. He genuinely hoped that Maria would be able to buy him enough to get onto the Bus and find Skye, before anyone else found him. All this was something close to a suicide mission, but he had set his mind on rescuing her. He’d do this for any member of his team; he wouldn’t let her down. He reached the landing gear and started to climb upwards and into the plane’s belly – just in time. The Bus was taking off again.

There was that voice in the back of his mind again, as Phil pressed himself against the wall behind him, closely avoiding getting crushed by the plane’s huge wheels. It was dripping with disapproval. “You’re making a habit of those close calls,” it scolded, and somehow, oddly enough, the words made Phil feel safe and almost brought a smile to his lips. With a huff he brushed sand off his sleeves and reached up to loosen the floor plate that led up to the lab area.

The Bus looked just the way it always did, but the lack of the team members’ chattering created an almost eerie silence. Phil mentally prepared himself to be discovered any moment now, pulling out his gun. Going in alone had seemed like a good idea, but he could feel the film of sweat on his forehead. He was a regular field agent, high up in the ranks, but he was not a specialist. He wasn’t particularly used to having no backup. On his way to the interrogation chamber, where he suspected Skye to be held captive, his thoughts drifted to May. May, who had always had his back, and he’d had hers. Under normal circumstances she would be here now, right by his side. The circumstances were far from normal, though, and May was not by his side, thanks to his own harshness. He wondered what she would do to Ward if she found out what he had done. He had hijacked _her_ plane. Also, they had been close – a thought that still stung, even though he would never admit it – and her world would come crashing down once again. If she ever came back, would she let him help her to pick up the pieces, or would she turn from him again?

Glancing over his shoulder once again Phil pushed open the door to the interrogation chamber – and found Skye sitting on the bench with a distant look on her face, shoulders slumped as though she’d given up all hope. Upon noticing him, though, she hurried to get on her feet, crossing the distance between them and drawing him into a bone-crushing hug. That was a good sign.

“Are you okay? Did Ward hurt you?”

Skye was breathless with relief and there were tears pooling in her eyes. “No, I’m okay, but the encrypted hard drive, I unlocked it for them-“

God, he was glad to see her alive and well, but now there wasn’t enough time for that. Now getting that plane back into the right hands was top priority. They were going to take the cockpit. He pulled her out of the gloomy chamber with him, determination quickening his step. He was focused on the task at hand, he would get it done.

“Wait, you came alone?” Fright was lacing Skye’s tone.

“It’s okay, I can take Ward.”

“Well, I know, but how did you get past Deathlok?”

Phil faltered and stopped dead in his tracks. Deathlok? Here? On the plane? Was she kidding? She had to be, he was absolutely sure of- No, there he was, a gun-toting arm outstretched towards them threateningly. A change of plans would definitely be a wise decision at this point.

“Get to the cargo hold. Now!” he urged Skye on, sprinting to the control panel to open the cargo ramp and following her downstairs. He told her to get in the car. His new plan was mad, he could get them both killed, hitting the ground after a long, long fall from the plane, but he still considered that better than being blown to pieces by a devious cyborg. Phil sent a quick prayer to whatever god was willing to help them survive, engaged Lola’s reverse gear and hit the gas, as the bullets were flying around them.

The fall went by in a rush, but seemed so endless at the same time. Finally having reached the ground, the adrenaline was still spiking in his blood and the knuckles of his hands, which were still clenching the steering wheel, had turned as white as paper. Trying to catch his breath, he turned to look at Skye, who was making a face as though she would throw up any moment now. He couldn’t blame her, really. Miraculously, they had survived. He couldn’t say the same thing about his treasured Corvette, though.

\---

They checked in at a small, slightly run-down motel, as they had nowhere else to stay at the moment. Basically, they were homeless. Phil had taken a shower and said his goodbyes to Maria, who had once more tried to offer him a job in the private sector. He had refused. It just… wasn’t his style. Besides, there was so much left to do, with Ward and Garrett on the run, and his team felt miserably incomplete with May having left. He needed to come up with a plan on how to proceed from their current situation. On the other hand, couldn’t let them down. They needed to stay strong and stick together now, even though they had already been ripped apart. After minutes of debating with himself, he finally decided to join the others outside at the pool.

The smile Skye gave him when he shared the cheap-tasting chocolate from the motel’s vending machine with her told him that they could indeed be worse off. It was quiet out here, and the team seemed at ease. Now he had some time to let go of all they had gone through in the past hours, which wasn’t so bad after all. The planning could wait for another day. He was able to relax somewhat, until he saw, from the corner of his eyes, a swift movement near the bushes behind the pool. He turned his head to see better, but the figure he believed to have been a woman climbing up the façade of the motel was already gone. Maybe that was T.A.H.I.T.I. kicking in and he was starting to see things now. Or maybe he was just tired. Sighing he rested his face in his hands for a moment. Skye had noticed his rapid movement and started to ask him about it, but he brushed it off and excused himself with a mumbled ‘good night’.

He was still wondering about what he had seen, or maybe not seen, when he unlocked the door to his apartment. If that woman had really been there, what was she up to? Was she a thief of sorts, trying to break into one of the apartments? He shook his head, deciding that whatever he thought he had seen had been a product of his restless mind and imagination. He needed to sleep. Stepping into the room, he found the lights turned on. He was sure he had turned them off before leaving to join his team. His eyes scanned the room… and his heart leaped as they landed on the figure that stepped forth from the shadows:

_Agent Melinda May._

\---

Was he still hallucinating? Or had the figure he had seen outside been her? Had she climbed in through the window? However she had gotten into the apartment, Phil had never before in his life been more delighted to see her standing in front of him.

“I was… hoping you’d come back,” he said, giving her a hesitant nod, “Ward is-“

“I know. Hill told me.”

She was searching his eyes now. What was she seeing? Relief, because he was glad to see her? Guilt, because they had parted in such anger and he had never gotten to apologize for what he’d accused her of? Insecurity, because he suddenly felt so torn and vulnerable under her piercing gaze? He needed to apologize. He made an attempt to do so, opened his mouth to speak, but…

“There is something you need to see.” May’s eyes left his and she walked over to the small table at the far side of the room, where she had set up a laptop. Gesturing for him to sit, she plugged in a USB stick.

“You wanted to know who was behind T.A.H.I.T.I. This is what I found out.”

Phil took a seat hesitantly. He looked up at May, his expression questioning, but was answered with nothing but another one of her penetrating looks, that always managed to restore a bit of his confidence. He returned his attention to the screen. “Classified Level 10 Communication” the opened file read in large white letters. Phil steeled himself and moved the mouse to click the play button.

_“Good morning, director Fury. I regret to inform you that I am handing in my resignation. I know you brought me on to project T.A.H.I.T.I., because you trusted my judgment, and it’s that judgment that is telling me I can no longer, in good conscience, let the testing continue.”_

He froze, eyes widening in shock. This couldn’t be real. He couldn’t have supervised project T.A.H.I.T.I. himself. But the video playing in front of his eyes told him exactly that. He swallowed, but his mouth had gone dry. He watched the rest of the message, listened to his past self, that seemed so endlessly exhausted, talk about side effects and memory replacement and he couldn’t manage put it all together in his mind. It felt like a dream. More like a nightmare, really.

_“To be clear: I’m recommending the termination of project TAHITI. Under no circumstances should these procedures or drugs be administered to anyone ever. The cost is far too great. Thank you, sir.”_

End transmission. He wished he could somehow turn back the time and forget about what he’d just witnessed.

“Huh…”

\---

Phil continued to stare at the screen, horror etched into his features. Melinda closed the laptop in front of him. He blinked; his breathing was uneven and ragged. People had gone mad thanks to his doing. And then they had used the drug on him, reviving him, in full knowledge that he could go mad too. How many of his memories still were his own? What was real? What was fake?

Eyes clouded, he turned to look at May, but found himself at a loss for words. May released the breath she possibly hadn’t realized she had been holding. Reassuringly she put a hand on his shoulder.

“May, I-“ he croaked.

‘It’s going to be alright,’ her eyes told him, and he shut his mouth.

He felt warmth spreading from where she was touching him and he allowed himself to revel in that touch for a moment. Only now he realized just how much he’d been missing her. That he didn’t know what he would have done if Ward had killed her as well. Knowing he never got to say sorry… Guilt struck him again like a punch in the guts, her hand suddenly gaining weight, as though it was a burden he was carrying. He got up, unable to stay calm with that hand on his shoulder. Melinda looked at him with concern. She didn’t approach him, leaving him some space – on the one hand he was grateful about that, but on the other hand he wanted her closer, wanted to feel her touch again. He didn’t look at her as he spoke, his voice barely audible.

“I’m not going mad, am I?”

May’s expression softened and she dared to step forward, stopping behind him, as he still wasn’t facing her. Tenderly she wrapped her arms around his middle from behind. He took in a sharp breath.

“I would not have left if that were the case. I know you, Phil. You’re a fighter.”

“Not like you. You came back.” He paused to turn around in her arms, finally meeting her gaze. Her eyes were searching his, staring right through him and into his soul.

“I said terrible things. I did even worse things. May, I… I shot you and kicked you out, there’s no way I could ever… I’m so sorry.” He didn’t deserve to be held that way, didn’t deserve the kindness in her eyes.

“Remember when we swore to always have each other’s backs?”

She was accusing him now, wasn’t she? He had let her down, he hadn’t had her back. He had treated her like a criminal, blind to see that she had always kept her promise. He nodded hesitantly.

“You had a right to be mad. I imagined myself in your position, and I figured that I wouldn’t have acted any differently. The things I kept from you...” Melinda trailed off, shaking her head, as she lost herself in memories for a moment.

“You had my best interest at heart. Nothing gives anyone the right to act the way I did. I shouldn’t have… I shouldn’t have said what I said and done what I did.” He was babbling, he was aware of that, but he needed to make this right. His heart was in his throat. She had said that she cared about him. Did she, still? How much did she care..? Because now he knew, sure as hell, that he cared about her. A lot.

“It’s alright now. It’s all over. We move forward from here. There is no going back.”

He had heard those words before. Everything clicked into place. Her arms were still around his waist and she was so very close, it would be so easy to just bend down and kiss her, show her how much he regretted the last day’s events, how much he _cared_ and pour every bit of affection he could muster into that one kiss… but that would be too easy, wouldn’t it? She proved once more that she could read him like a book, because it was her who stood up on the tips of her toes, her lips suddenly meeting his own softly, taking him by surprise yet again.  
Involuntarily a sigh escaped him. Instinctively he pulled her closer, holding on to her form like a drowning man. He didn’t want her to let go, needed her to stay. No space was left between their bodies as he reached up to tangle his fingers in her hair. It was simple, really, but it was all he ever needed.  
When she pulled back, her lips left behind a tingling sensation. He found himself craving for more. The longing surely was evident in his look – her expression was calm and her eyes held so much affection.

“Even if you go crazy at some point, you will still be Phil Coulson. I will still have your back.”

His eyes stung and his insides were on fire. Those words meant so much to him. He leaned closer again, resting his head on her shoulder wearily. Her hands slid up his back, coming to a halt on his shoulders. He felt her smoothing out small creases on his jacket, the motions of her searching fingers calming him.

“I will still love you, just the way I do now. And come what may, I will stay by your side.”

She kissed him again to emphasize her words. She was wonderful and he didn’t deserve her. But that could wait for another day, he thought, as he smiled against her lips.

**Author's Note:**

> Most of the dialogue was taken from episodes 19 and 20 of the first season of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. I take no credit for those dialogues.
> 
> Also, this is probably the longest fic I've ever written for anything, just saying.


End file.
